So much running through my mind right now. I've been missing Chessie a lot lately. I'm not really sure why either. I have what I wanted. To be at Robyns. I don't understand why I feel this way. The thing I most miss about chess is our relationship. Not riding, but at night I could just go in her stall and she would put her head on me and I could cry in her shoulder, or tell her all the amazing things happening. Now I have a horse I like riding way more than her, but don't have the relational aspect. Ya get what ya get I guess.
I've lost every horse I've ever cared about... Nigel, Joey, Marissa, thumper, and Chess. I'm so sick of it. I contemplate giving up. I'm angry and want this fight to be over. But then I think about it and know I can't do that. I really shouldn't be complaining I have the barn I want and a horse to teach me things. I just wonder if I should keep fighting, or realize it just isn't meant to be? I don't have what it takes to be who I want to be. I'm not meticulous, precise, or good enough to be a dressage rider. Is it just ridiculous of me to make something Im not?
My whole life I watched others accomplish their dreams. Every single person I used to ride with now owns their own horse. Will I ever live mine? I just don't know.